The Dirty Dozen – Mogwai Takeover

Bearsuit – When Will I Be Queen? (Fortuna Pop, 28 Feb)
Stuart: (grimacing at the opening electro chords) No, no, oh no. Who is this?
Barry: Not the best, is it? We were talking about this earlier. If you’re going to make music like this, using all these cheap synthesizers, it’s got to be brilliant – it’s got to be amazing.
Stuart: It’s got an almost purposefully annoying vocal, which is never a good idea. It does my box in.
Barry: Make it end. That’s a three.

Rival Schools – Wring It Out (Photo Finish, 7 Mar)
Stuart: They still going?
Skinny: Yeah, but this is just their second album.
Stuart: Is it!? But they’ve been going for years. Lazy bastards! What have they been doing? I don’t really like this kind of music, so it’s hard to say whether it’s good or not. It’s not for me but maybe that’s the best type of that kind of rubbish song that’s ever been released – it’s just that I hate that kind of rubbish music, which I’ll call ‘crapcore’. Give it a four

Wolf Gang – Dancing With The Devil (Atlantic, 21 Mar)
Barry: It’s another band with the name ‘wolf’ in it.
Stuart: Aye, what’s with all this Wolf pish? What if you’re a wolf and you’re in a band, meanwhile there are all these humans calling themselves wolves?
Barry: Now you’re thinking.
Stuart: I couldn’t really say whether that’s a good type of that music, cos, again, I don’t like that kind of music; accosting radio indie pop. It’s not my kind of thing but I feel like I should give it a five. Are there going to be any good records here?

Plan B – Writing’s On The Wall (679/Atlantic, 7 Mar)
Stuart: (rubbing hands) Let’s get started on this! Do you even know who this is Barry?
Barry: No, who is it?
Stuart: It’s this fucking shite rapper whose A&R guy told him to sound like Amy Winehouse and then all the fucking stupid English journalists said it was a brave decision. Like it’s really brave to stop rapping and start singing just to copy the person who’s sold the most records in the last ten years. It’s fucking pish! Do you know what it says to me? You’re with a lassie, looking about Topshop, raging.
Skinny: Marks out of ten.
Stuart: Nothing. Zero. I wish he hadn’t made it.

J Mascis – Not Enough (Sub Pop, 28 Feb)
Stuart: That’s way more enjoyable. Good voice.
Barry: Aye. Just waiting for the twenty-five minute guitar solo to kick in.
Stuart: There probably is one by the way. This is nice. It’s probably the kind of thing you’d need to hear a few times to really get into it, but it’s good.
Barry: Yeah, that’ll do. Let’s give it an eight.
Stuart: (mockingly) In case something mind-blowing comes along.

Alexi Murdoch – Some Day Soon (City Slang, 14 Mar)
Barry: Nick Drake influence already. This could be good. (Later) It’s nice actually, aye. I’d like to hear a wee bit more from him. I’d give that seven, or eight?
Stuart: Aye... an eight.
Barry: Well done that man.

The Kills – Satellite (Domino, 28 Mar)
Barry: Jamie (Hince) is a good friend of ours. Uh, it sounds good so I’m a bit annoyed. It’s something new, that rhythm – the reggae stomp.
Stuart: He’s spreading his wings.
Barry: Far more interesting than some of his stuff we’ve heard. Seven?
Stuart: Aye, why not?

The Jim Jones Revue – Dishonest John (Punk Rock Blues, 28 Mar)
Stuart: They’re all quite old, aren’t they?
Barry: They look about the same age as us.
Stuart: Yeah, old. They sound a bit like The Datsuns. Remember them?
Barry: Yeah, yeah. It sounds like a jam.
Stuart: Yeah, they’re jamming in an MC5 style rock. I can’t disapprove of that behaviour. It’s nothing new but they’re doing it well so I’ll give that a six.

Mother Mother – Simply Simple (Last Gang Records, 14 Mar)
Stuart: I don’t like that rapid snare.
Barry: I don’t like that kind of singing.
Skinny: (Later) Any words to go with that grimace Stuart?
Stuart: Two words: bad music. It’s rubbish, it’s pish. I don’t want to hear any more of it. Two out of ten.

James Blake – The Wilhelm Scream (7 Mar, Atlas)
Barry: Sounds a wee bit like a South Park parody.
Stuart: (reading press release) What’s this ‘missing link’? Why do we need a fucking missing link between Burial, The XX and Feist? (adopting confused consumer impersonation) ‘I love these three records but... where’s the fucking missing link!? Here it is! Here’s the missing link!’
Barry: Record collection complete.
Stuart: I’m a fan of his music but not his singing. Maybe when his baws drop and he’s got something to sing about...
Barry: (dissolving into hysterics) You can’t say that!
Stuart: I did.
Barry: How about a seven for effort, six for the song. So six-and-a-half.

Homework – Why Oh Why (Unsigned, 1 Mar)
Barry: That snare drum needs to get tightened. It’s too high. Wow, more synthesizers. Synth sandwich.
Stuart: I’m warming to this because of the quote here from the singer. It says we’re just so happy and excited to be getting something out at last. He sounds like a nice guy.
Barry: It’s OK but I’m a fussy bastard. I like his Scottish accent though.
Stuart: Good on ‘em.
Barry: It’s a bit more upbeat than what I would usually listen to, but I think it’s a five overall. A good pass.

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SINGLE OF THE MONTH! (but sadly no video available)

Sisterland – Tomorrow (Too Pure, 21 Mar)
Stuart: I didn’t even know Too Pure was still going. (reading press release, again) “Sisterland occupy a musical territory somewhere between Galaxy 500” spelled wrong, “and Queens of the Stone Age”! What two bizarre references to cross.
Barry: I think the Galaxie 500 refers to the vocal reverb, but that’s about it.
Stuart: Past all that though, this is alright. (Later) In fact it’s really quite good.
Barry: Aye, I like it as well. I’m going to give it a high mark. Maybe an eight. It’s good. Well done.
Stuart: It’s got the worst press notes I’ve ever read in my fucking life though.