Boak to the Future: Comedians prepare for Hogmanay

Jo Caulfield

Many people will be thinking of New Year's resolutions for 2012 at this time of year. Do you go in for this kind of thing yourself? If so, do you have any interesting resolution related stories?

 

I’m just like everybody else. I avoid exercise. I drink. I smoke. My husband said this year I should give up one of my vices, so bang goes the prostitution.

 

What was your most memorable gig of 2011?

 

On my tour of “Small Towns I’ve Heard Of But Never Been To” I turned up at one venue and on the chalkboard outside in big letters it said: “Tonight: Comedy from Joe Crawford” - and underneath it was a blurred photo of a CIRCUS CLOWN.

 

Ro Campbell

 

Many people start thinking about possible New Year's resolutions at this time of year. Do you go in for this kind of thing yourself? Do you have any resolution related stories?

 

One year I spent NYE with close friends on a remote farm in Australia. At midnight I declared that my NY resolution was going to be "less stupidity". Later that night I sprained my ankle chasing a sheep through a field, then I fell into a pond, then I drove my car into a tree. It was the beginning of a trend that lasted 2 years and destroyed my life. I've been very secretive about my New Year's resolutions ever since.

 

What was your most memorable gig of 2011?

 

I did a show at Perth Prison for guys serving life sentences, not the easiest crowd. The MC, Gary Little, the toughest bloke in Scottish comedy, was doing a joke about a famous murder that happened in Arbroath, where they found a woman's head in a carrier bag. He hadn't got to the punchline , but all of a sudden the crowd started pissing themselves laughing. He looked at them and said "What are yez all laughing at? I've no even got to the punchline." They responded in unison, pointing at a guy in the front row going "that's the cunt what done it there!".

 

Gavin Webster

 

The Skinny shall bestow magical powers upon you in 2012. You can impose three New Year's resolutions on three people of your choice. Impose away...

 

May Simon Cowell realise that his job is pointless and retire the X- Factor show. It would be great if we found through a geological unconformity a huge multi trillion pound oilfield just off the coast of Northumberland yielding a huge GDP for Britain and see if Cameron still patronises us about needing to make necessary cuts. I hope most of all that the BBC top brass stop messing about and give the sublimely good Tony Law his own comedy series.

 

 

Mark Nelson

 

The Skinny shall bestow magical powers upon you in 2012 .You can impose three New Year's resolutions upon three people of your choice. Impose away...

 

- Craig Levein - a resolution to actually have faith in the Scotland national team and let them play the football they are capable of.

-The Stone Roses - a resolution to rehearse and make sure they are actually decent when they play live again next year. A lot of us have waited a long time for this lads.

-The cast of The Only Way Is Essex, Jordan and every other reality TV star - a resolution to consider suicide as a viable option.

 

Billy Kirkwood

 

What was your most memorable gig of 2011?

 

I supported wrestler turned author Mick Foley in Glasgow on his UK tour. He's been a personal hero of mine my whole life, and to get to meet him was one thing ,but to work with him professionally and do some stuff with him on stage was out of this world. It was the coming together of so much personally for me.

 

The Skinny shall bestow magical powers upon you in 2012. You can impose three New Year's resolutions on three people of your choice. Impose away...

 

For Piers Morgan to just shut the hell up, for Steven Segal to come to my house and play Pop up Pirate and for Katie Price to start looking a wee bit less orange

 

Brendan Dempsey

You're part of the Hogmanay Hootfest line-up this year. How are you preparing for these shows?

I rise every day at six and do eight miles on the road, breakfasting on sour yoghurt and stale oatcakes. Then a two hour walk/script meeting with my dog before sitting down to write for the rest of the day.

Two hours meditation, one transcendental, another regular with optional mantra. Dinner of raw chick peas and garlic. Three evenings a week I volunteer at a shelter for disadvantaged jellyfish, it's been difficult to get to grips with them, they can be quite taciturn when the mood hits them.

The Skinny shall bestow magical powers upon you in 2012. You can impose three New Year's resolutions on three people of your choice. Impose away...

I'd like David Cameron to spend a month in a council flat on benefits looking for work, taking any job that involves manual labour. Then spend the next in Bob Diamond's penthouse on his salary and benefits- see if he can find any evidence of 'work' there. Then tell us we're all in this together again.

Obama: you're the leader of the free world - lead it. If you're going to go down, go down swinging.

Any TV or film studio boss. Take a risk on something unknown, with no obvious target demographic or marketable strategy. Treat your audience with and as intelligent people. They might just surprise you.

Why yes! I DO happen to have a few scripts to hand.