Marcel Lucont: Love on the Fringe

Dear Marcel,

I’m a woman in my 20s, and have spent the last few years working hard, pursuing my hobbies and enjoying quality time with my friends. Though I've been enjoying the benefits of being happily single, I’ve recently felt that I could be ready for a relationship. I plan on spending the summer in Edinburgh, which seems like the perfect place to meet other cultured, interesting people.  Can I find love on the Fringe?

Anon. 27.

Mysterious Mademoiselle, I fear you may be searching in the wrong place, or at least at the wrong time. If it is a performer's long-term affections you seek, at this Festival you will discover only those with adulation directed inwards, egos more fevered than the brow of a human made to sit for an hour in a makeshift, unventilated space. Unconditional love is a less likely outcome than “love on the condition that you are gone before his temporary cohabitants attempt to charge you for a night's rent, but not before he has made his feelings unmistakeably clear concerning a local newspaper's languid 3-star review of his production, which 'totally read like a 4.'”

To attract the attention of one of these creatures, simply wear an item of clothing bearing the words, 'Television Producer,' 'Awards Judge,' or 'Free Pies.'

Perhaps it is instead a fellow punter that you have in mind for this amorous rendezvous. If so, expect a certain amount of suspicion on his part, unless you have been described as a 'must-see' by a major broadsheet, or recommended to him by several friends in the media. If he is only visiting for the weekend, expect more of an army training course than a romantic stroll around town, as you attempt to hurriedly navigate a cobbled, undulating, tourist-addled domain to foolhardily consummate his checklist of Fringe shows. To locate such an individual, simply enter any bar or café proclaiming free WiFi facilities, find the man frantically browsing his smartphone Fringe application, glance over his shoulder and casually announce that you saw an unforgettable avant-garde production of that show down a well in 2006.

Or maybe your plan is to 'buy local' and procure yourself a resident of the city. Well, if you can find one remaining during August that's already quite an achievement. This option is for you if you enjoy a dinner date with a man fervently bemoaning the inflated cost of your current meal during the month of August, and growing increasingly irate every time a student drama group begins assiduously chanting outside the restaurant window. In order to find yourself one of these Scottish specimens, simply wander around mimicking the accent. They cannot get enough of this.

However, beware this final choice of companion. I assume you are English, by your use of the word “woman” over “lassie,” and your distant anonymity. Should this festival dalliance flourish, after September you may well find yourself a little less welcome north of the border. If you are going to visit somewhere requiring a passport, go French.

For a soupçon of what to expect, I can highly recommend a show at 10pm at the Pleasance Dome. You will not be disappointed.