How to Talk to a Porn Star
A lesson in online etiquette from Fred Fletch, Mz Berlin, Jennifer Blaze and Caroline Pierce
This is an age where all you need to get in touch with the planet's most exciting porn stars is a speedy connection and a laptop that's operable while sat with a pounding erection.
At the touch of a button, you can find out what flavour ice-cream Kelly Divine enjoys on a Sunday or discover how far Chyna hitchhiked across America using only her clitoris. The internet has become an Eden of funny, sexy and smart women who get paid to be naked. Unfortunately, what lies on the other side of the garden wall is all kinds of cock-hammering crazy.
Pick any given porn star you know and look her up on Facebook and Twitter. Now check out the comments and messages sent to her. It's guaranteed that almost all are insatiable word-salads from pointless wastes of cyber-space with galactic dollops of wanking time.
‘MMMMMM ID SUK UR PUSS FOR HOURS’ is still a favorite from pretty much every porn comment thread. Sometimes these comments become like a weird word equivalent of the game Twister, far more than they are twisted: ‘Touch me in three different places at once. Grab my butt, stroke my penis and kiss my nipples. It’ll be as though you’re a one-woman threesome.’ Then there's the more on-the-nose approach: ‘Make a face like you want... penis.’
What all this amounts to is: ‘I REALLY WANT TO TELL THE PORN LADY SHE’S SPECIAL’
Sweet.
It's accepted that many of us would probably all like to sleep with them, so why share it? Messages sent to an adult actress are just a clumsy dance around this belaboured point. If John Connor had a Twitter page, doubtless he’d be getting at least 37367 messages a day from unkillable robots politely asking how he was doing but slyly mentioning that their lasers melt faces really well, in a similar exercise of stating the obvious.
Social media has allowed fans to become back-seat-directors and comments sound like Stanley Kubrick shouting the instructions off a penis-pump from the back of a speeding truck.
In order to better examine the world of porn-fan-brain-farts, who better to ask than three of the most prolific adult-entertainment stars who find themselves on the receiving end of puss sucking-style messages for hours at a time? Mz Berlin is a porn director, producer and dominatrix specialising in tiny penis humiliation, cuckolding and financial domination. Jennifer Blaze is a relative newcomer to the industry. A fetish actor and model, she stars in Dark Desires and can often be found dressed as Wonder Woman. Caroline Pierce is a performer, adventurer and polyhedral dice addict whose film credits include Big Wet Asses 18 and Attack of the MILFs 3.
Can Pierce distinguish fans’ artistic assessment of her filmography when put alongside reviews of films from the limited supply of non-pornographic genres?
(NB: The following quotes refer either to Big Wet Asses 18 or are intended for the greatest movie of all time: Krull).
- “A real treat for fans of the genre.”
- “I had a fucking boner for the entire movie.”
- “Pretty dumb, but the fight with the glass spider was cool.”
- “The climax is the only good part.”
- “She sucks a good cock.”
“I say 1 and 5 were BWA18 and 2,3,4 were KRULL,” answers Pierce exactly correctly. Champion.
However, this is to wade in the shallow end. There are those fans that cannonball straight into the pool with their trucks tanked in diarrhoea. What is the worst online comment the stars have received?
“I want to strangle you with your pantyhose til u ded,” recalls Blaze. “That ranks right up there with ‘Jennifer, have you smelled real chloroform?’”
Such a sinsiter turn and trolling can be an occupational hazard: “I'm not really into fans' negative blah blah,” agrees Berlin, “It pops up on Twitter, but I just ignore it. #fuckthehaters.”
But for those of us with Flash Gordon levels of awesome, who hold more respect and admiration for professional naked people, there's still always the lurking danger of how to exchange pleasantries without fucking it up.
As a good rule of thumb, if you’re talking to someone simply because you think they might go well with your penis and a snivelling apology then maybe don't bother. Our dicks like to be in all sorts of things, but last time I checked, the fold in my sofa didn’t have a Twitter account. Until Japanese science perfects a fuckable cyborg, we have to face up to the possibility that we have to connect with other human beings. So try to remember that when you CAPSLOCK adult entertainers with directions on how your balls should be applied to their face. We all appreciate good work when we see it, but if you can restrain yourself when thanking the girl at Subway for her excellent sandwich delivery, why can’t you offer the same restraint for someone who starred in Anal Pleasures 5: Chocolate Desires?
Then again, the Subway transaction is conducted face-to-face. Does this mean idiotic comments are isolated to the internet, and when fans bump into porn stars offline, do they change into Lou Gossett Jr-trained Officers and Gentlemen?
For Pierce, not always – there was that time with the Birmingham cabbie: “The weirdest part of the whole exchange, aside from being recognised in another country, was that he talked at me like he was writing to me online and not talking to me in person. He marveled at me being there, we had a brief conversation, then he told me that when he went home that night he was going to go have a wank.”
However, a vaguely more positive experience comes to Blaze's mind: “Last August I was invited to FetCon in Tampa Florida to represent the League of Amazing Women. I was almost at the venue when a young man stepped in front of me with a camera in hand and said in a shy tone, ‘Are you Jennifer Blaze?’ What was this? Someone knew who I was! He'd seen me in clips on Superheroine Adventures by Dawnstars clip store and was following me on Twitter. He'd driven down from Orlando to see all the models and made a special effort to introduce himself to me... he hung around with us for most of the rest of the day chatting and taking pictures while I 'worked' the floor meeting even more people dressed as Harley Quinn. He was kind and gracious... I think he left his internet balls at home.”
For Mz Berlin, “Running into respectful and good natured fans is my favourite!” she says. “I have had many fans approach me in Vegas. Slaves get brave in Sin City, I suppose, and even your average Joe has moments of weakness and approaches! Usually in an open air Vegas restaurant, for whatever reason. I make them kneel next to me and humiliate them right there in the casino! So fun.”
Are we starting to find a way to a porn star's heart without sounding like a dick?
“I love when fans purchase products from my website – clips, cam shows, etc. When a fan purchases my content from me and then writes to tell me they love it, that's my favourite. Money talks, Fred,” Berlin adds.
“I am very partial to fans who comment on my acting ability and surprisingly there are quite a few who do...” says Blaze, quoting her favourite line: ‘You're better than Lynda Carter.’
“To think that someone, anyone, out there thinks I'm reminiscent of her? Well, hot damn! I have a feeling though the sentiment comes from the fact that Lynda kept her clothes on.”
Meanwhile, for Caroline Pierce, the best fan-to-star experience was from a man who found his own inner super hero, “Early in my career, back in ’95, I had an out-of-town customer at the strip club I worked at. We had a long conversation about fetish. Later, he wrote to me at the club to thank me because after our talk he had the guts to tell his wife about his interest in various fetishes and that I gave him the courage to open that dialogue with her.”
So perhaps it is possible. By the old fashioned human connection a porn star can become more than the sum of her tits and whatever sweating mass happened to be pressed between them.
But, if you really want to show your appreciation for a star, maybe campaign for better and equal pay for them and support improved working conditions. Don’t pirate their stuff. Check out your favourite stars’ Facebook or Twitter pages. Read their blogs. If you like what they have to say and want to hear more, by all means, hit that follow/like button so hard you leave a smoking hole in the internet.
If you do want to talk to someone from the world of pornography, and all else epic-fails, at least try having a wank first. BUT WASH YOUR HANDS. Laptop repairmen die every day from contact rashes.