Judah Friedlander: Greatest Karate Person in the World, Ever

To say Judah Friedlander is best known for his role in 30 Rock is like saying Bruce Lee was best known for preferring to sit down to pee. Sure, it’s possibly true, but if you were ever to suggest it to his face, your coroner would be recording your sex as ‘puddle.’ Judah Friedlander IS, unquestionably, karate-as-fuck. He didn’t write a book called How to Beat Up Anybody to not be the most deadly thing since fuckable beehives.

Judah took time out of his busy schedule of ninja crime foiling and summoning hawks during ejaculation to talk to me and since I am in the demographic of people who don’t give a shit what Tina Fey smells like, I was absolutely going to take this opportunity to talk to him about kung-fu, ninjas and the parts of the movie Hard Target that I drunkenly half remember.
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JUDAH: How you doing?

FRED: Well I'll be honest with you. I'm fucking hungover, so this might be a little all over the place. I tried writing some questions down last night, but I went out and got drunk and now all I have is a piece of paper with ‘HARD TARGET’ written on it.

J: I'm here for you. Just go with it. I try to be a good role model so I’m here to help you dude. Let’s just talk karate.

F: Fuck yeah. So, you're a karate master right? Is that the right term for you?

J: I think the term you're looking for is GREATEST KARATE PERSON IN THE WORLD, EVER.

F: No grey area there. OK, on a sliding karate-scale from ‘PUSSY’ to ‘20 TIMECOPS,’ where would you rank yourself?

J: ...well, yeah. First of all dude. I'm way above Timecop level.  Timecops are kind of pussies.

F: [Gasps]

J: You know, the reason they invent time travel in the future is so that they can try and get away from me. If I try and karate one of those timecops, they jump into one of their time portals to escape my karate. But thing is, in the future I have a time machine too, so when they arrive in the past I’m already there, and I mess them up. Pussies. Yeah, thats why I’m above Timecops. 

F: OK, what are your favourite karate films?

J: Well, I’ve never been in a karate film because, you know, they film movies at a speed of 24 frames per second... and I move a lot faster than that, so they are actually too slow. The technology doesn’t exist today to capture my karate on camera. That's why I've never been in a Hollywood or Asian martial arts film. But, of films I can't be filmed in, one of my favorites is Drunken Master 2. Oh, and another, not so well known that I love is Ong Bak?

F: The ‘where the fuck's my elephant?’ movie?

J: [Laughs] Yeah Tony Jaa. From Thailand. [Laughs] you're right. One of the best plots ever. WHO HAS GOT MY ELEPHANT? And then he beats up everyone who doesn't tell him where his elephant is. That's all you need in a karate movie.

F: Exactly. You don't need high concepts like Under Siege, you just need a karate man. two hours of karate, and I'll fill in the blanks thank you very much... I don't want to spoil it for you, but the blanks are FUCKING KARATE.

J: Exactly. Well... actually... you know, you also need revenge. Someone kills your wife. Someone kidnaps your daughter. Someone steals your elephant. REVENGE FUEL.

F: Do you think there are any non-karate movies out there, that could be improved by adding karate to the plot?

J: Example?

F: Regarding Henry, with Harrison Ford? You know? That film where Harrison Ford is a hard-edged lawyer, who gets shot in the head and becomes retarded, then slowly learns to live, love, laugh again... but what I was thinking was, HE COULD HAVE ALSO LEARNED KARATE.

J: [Laughs] That would be awesome. Good call. OK, you know which one I’d do... stick with the Harrison Ford theme... WITNESS!

F: KARATE AMISH!?!?

J: EXACTLY!!!!! Imagine... If he taught all those Amish karate. And then the corrupt cops come to get them, but NO. They know karate now... so, you know, they karate all the corrupt cops.

F: Fucking hell. That would be the greatest movie ever.

J: You know. You and I, we get it, but this is exactly the kind of thinking I’ve been trying to get Hollywood to adopt for years. They are kinda stuckup. They look down on karate, which isn’t cool. I see the movie Gandhi and I see a movie without any karate and I think a movie like Gandhi NEEDS karate. They never make a Gandhi character know karate. That's their fundamental problem right there. No karate Gandhi.

F: Streetfighter 2 had Dhalsim. He was pretty much karate Gandhi. 

J: Oh, actually, you know who totally can shoot fireballs and could do with some more karate in their films?

F: No?

J: Meryl Streep, that's who.

F: ARE YOU READING MY MIND?

J: Yes.

F: Shit. Your promo material doesn’t mention that. All I have is like a half dozen quotes describing you as “one of a kind,” “unique,” “equal,” but... and I think you know where I'm going with this.

J: Yes I do.

F: ...but. WHAT IF THERE WAS? WHAT IF... OUT THERE, THERE IS... ANOTHER YOU. A twin, seperated at birth, by fate and karate.

J/F: DOUBLE IMPAAAAAACT!!!

J: Well. First of all... that might be the only time I would ever feel fear. I'd back up. Show this guy some respect. I wouldn't mess with him. That double impact business is serious stuff. It doesn't happen often, but when it does....

F: It's happened to Van Damme like 5 times. Hey, advice on karate?

J: Sure.

F: What is the best type of environment to fight karate in? I mean, I favour being surrounded by fish tanks and antlers... but I’m no longer allowed at the zoo.

J: Rooftops. Definitely rooftops. It adds an element of danger, PLUS, if you're on a rooftop, and you’re surrounded by taller buildings and those taller buildings are filled with hot chicks, then those hot chicks are gonna get all horny and you can then totally karate jump or, if you like, karate fly into their apartments and, um, hang out with them for the after-karate party.

F: Holy shit. That's a point. Can you actually sex a girl without killing them? I mean, third base has got to be a finishing move.

J: Good point. Um I guess it’s the same thing I have to do when shaking hands. Seriously I warn people just to lightly tap my hands because it’s like high fiving a grenade. 

F: I’ve been researching karate online and actually Amazon just recommended that book: How to Defeat a Pain Resistant Attacker, which makes me think Amazon know something about future Dracula attacks I don't... But seriously, how do YOU defeat someone who feels no pain?

J: You don't need to feel pain to die. I can kill someone painlessly. I know how to do a leg kick to the central nervous system that will explode someone humanely and with little to no pain. They won't feel anything.

F: Other than gentle murder, what are you up to at the moment?

J: Right now? Comedy album. Stand up. Making a comedy documentary. Missed out on the opportunity to come to your festival this year, but my friends keep telling me to go, so, um I will. Everyone keeps telling me how awesome it is there at the Stand Comedy Club, so yeah. Right now, just biding my karate time. Keeping busy. 

F: Seriously. Come to the festival next year. Edinburgh needs karateing so hard. If you do come, how should we prepare?

J: Well when I do come, don't look me in the eye!

F: Like the rules of jujitsu?

J: Get in training. Read my book. Forget karate school. Karate schools aren’t for karate. Firstly, they are inside. Everyone knows most karate happens outdoors. Then there is the lighting. No karate fight happens in good lighting. Padded floors. You show me one bar with a padded floor!