Crystal Baws: February 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
Your circle of friends appears to be just that; a circle of sinister hooded figures stood around you chanting ancient Satanic mantras.

TAURUS
Perfume ads are engineered to make you believe that some people don’t do big wet farts that sicken entire rooms.

GEMINI
Looking at pictures of food on your phone is not a healthy diet.

CANCER
In February you finally get your license to become a professional plane driver.

LEO
This month the Dog God sends his only pup to Earth so that he may be run over by a car in order for all the bad dogs to have eternal walkies in the big park in the sky. Through the Son of Dog all bad dogs can be forgiven, but only if they ‘sit’ and give their paw to the One True Owner.

Bad dogs who don’t roll over are doomed to Dog Hell which is a very big kennel, bigger than the park, where bad doggies have to stay forever with no walkies, where the toys never squeak, where demonic vets poke and prod with torturous implements, and every night is firework night.

VIRGO
Don’t blow your own trumpet; blow other people’s trumpets when they’re not looking to give them a fright.

LIBRA
LIFE HACK: When picking off scabs pour glitter into the wound and when it dries you’ll have a glamorous glitter-scab like a top celebrity.

SCORPIO
This year you plan to be yourself, which leaves your friends bitterly disappointed by the funless joy-hole who now meets them for lunch and turns up to their birthday parties. They beg for whoever you were previously to return and inhabit your shell instead.

SAGITTARIUS
God finally ends world hunger this month after His titanic corpse is marinated in a sea of wine before being fried up with a few thousand tonnes of garlic by United Nations chefs, prior to being shipped out to the starving millions around the world. Now everyone has a genuine reason to praise God; how flavoursome He is and how the tender meat just falls off the bone.

CAPRICORN
Dancing like nobody’s watching seems naïve in the post-Snowden world, since GCHQ now monitor all dance moves so effectively it allows them to map your gait and feed the data into their dance database for signs of radicalised behaviour.

AQUARIUS
Do something today your future self will hate you for.

PISCES
Based on your best-selling book, this month you sell the film rights to the moving true-life story of that time you got your bellend caught in the door of a spaceship.

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