Crystal Baws: March 2015 Horoscopes

ARIES
This month, having heard that methane released in cow farts is a major factor contributing to global warming, you invent a revolutionary new wind turbine that affixes to cow bumholes to repurpose the powerful gas emissions into a renewable form of unclean wind energy.

TAURUS
Due to budgetary constraints your star sign has been cancelled in favour of endless repeats of Jurassic Park III.

GEMINI
You find the law of attraction means you are constantly attracting large swarms of wasps. The problem is that by thinking about the large swarms of wasps that constantly cover your body, you attract more wasps. Try not thinking about the wasps so much and see what happens ;)

CANCER
The worst thing about losing your limb is now everyone expects you to become a fucking athlete.

LEO
This month you wake to find you have metamorphosed into a giant insect, dramatically increasing your sexual attractiveness and career prospects.

VIRGO
“Never a dull moment,” you chuckle to yourself as you hack through the shin bone of your dead best friend.

LIBRA
You watch as your children play a game of ‘Doctors and Nurses’, filling out endless paperwork, dealing with budgetary constraints and completing grueling 30-hour shifts, all while a Tory toddler hangs around trying to shut the whole game down.

SCORPIO
Browsing around the surf shop for a wetsuit so you can go in the sea come springtime, you’re shocked to see a colourful range of sporty-looking Shark Dildos for sale next to the snorkels and surfboard wax. You shrug and pick one up as well as a Dolphin Ball-Gag and some Sea Turtle Anal-Beads. You intend to enjoy the sea this year.

SAGITTARIUS
You spend your evenings sitting in bars and restaurants doing silent, atrocious farts next to bright young couples out on their first dates, all the while complaining loudly that the stench is ruining your dinner, begging whoever is doing it to stop.

CAPRICORN
As an optimist, you believe the flaming bin containing your crushed hopes and dreams is half full, rather than half empty.

AQUARIUS
Paranoid about asteroids hitting the earth and wiping us all out like the dinosaurs, you develop a gigantic magnet to pull them all closer towards earth so we can keep a better eye on them.

PISCES
Don’t join that cult, start your own, it’s easy! To find out how, simply cut off all contact with your family and attend my ‘How to Start a Cult’ lectures every day and night for the next six years in my desert compound.