Crystal Baws: September 2016 Horoscopes

ARIES
Our God is a nerd god – the universe He made is all about geek subjects like mathematics and science. Not like the cool Gods out there who built entire universes out of sport, leather jackets, hair gel, and cigarettes.

TAURUS
You should really keep a pen around for making notes while working at the tattoo parlour. Your arms and the bodies of most of your clients are covered in hasty scribbles like ‘GET MILK’ and ‘CALL DAVE RE: DISHWASHER’. Most memo pads angrily walk out of the shop taking your lists with them.

GEMINI
Useful tip: those rolled up paper tubes you use to snort cocaine powder into your skull are in fact worth quite a bit and can be traded in for more cocaine with your local cocaine stockist.

CANCER
This September, to celebrate the anniversary of your divorce, you and your ex meet at the restaurant for a candle-lit argument.

LEO
This month biologists discover that all animals are made out of one of the three basic types of meat. Dogs for instance are made out of beef, cats out of chicken, and of course snakes are made of pork. God makes those just like sausages, filling up a new snake skin with freshly churned pork meat before tying a knot in the end, gluing on a pair of eyes and letting it wriggle off into reality.

VIRGO
Next time you put the plates in the oven to heat up a little before serving, why not stick the knives and forks in there to add an interesting talking point at the start of the meal as everyone yelps and whines and writhes around in delicious agony.

LIBRA
Your friends and family gather around the TV to watch your appearance on this week’s Embarrassing Bodies: “Why do maggots drop out of my pants everytime I take my cock out?”

SCORPIO
This month you try to put in more hours at work so you can spend less time with your family.

SAGITTARIUS
It’s really amazing to think that someone somewhere right this minute is having their head crushed in a vice.

CAPRICORN
Life is like the quote ‘life is like a box of chocolates.’ It’s short, trite, and meaningless.

AQUARIUS
This month you miss your train, and your boat, and your plane. You miss all of the expensive vehicles Daddy bought for you before his Ponzi scheme went bust and he fled abroad with his tiny new wife.

PISCES
Paleontologist is just a fancy word for a monster scientist.