Fred Fletch on 'Seducing like a Pick-up Pro'

Reading Robert Greene's The Art of Seduction leads me to wonder if the book accidentally got mixed up at the printers with the welcome pack to Guantanamo Bay. He describes women as 'targets' and 'victims', advising me to, “Study [my] prey thoroughly, and choose only those who will prove susceptible to [my] charm.” But should I also tell the detainee his hair looks pretty?

Many would-be Casanovas think they'll benefit from such wisdom and I'll consider Greene's main advice to seducers point-by-point – because someone has to rescue Valentine's Day.

Choose the right victim

Apparently 'the right victims' are those for whom you can “fill a void. Those who see in you something exotic. They are often isolated or unhappy, or can easily be made so.”

Basically, what Greene suggests here is that the key to an invigorating life of passion is to fuck with the heads of any girl who's about two episodes of Mr Robot away from a rope, ceiling rafter and a wobbly chair. 

Create a false sense of security – approach indirectly

“If you are too direct early on, you risk stirring up a resistance that will never be lowered. At first there must be nothing of the seducer in your manner. The seduction should begin at an angle, indirectly, so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you. Haunt the periphery of your target’s life – then strike.”

I don't want to come on too strong. What if she's shy, or simply just allergic to the swarms of locusts flowing from your mouth, Greene? Yeah, it's better to haunt her. Like a fucking ghost. Because that's way less creepy.

Send mixed signals

“Once people are aware of your presence, and perhaps vaguely intrigued, you need to stir their interest before it settles on someone else.”

Don't worry, Greene, they'll already be frantically trying to figure out if you can be killed with conventional weapons or if they'll need some sort of glowing ceremonial dagger.

Appear to be an object of desire – create triangles

“Draw your victims closer and make them hungry to possess you, you must create an aura of desirability – of being wanted and courted by many.”

At this point you've already advised to become a ghost and hit on a suicide risk, so it really shouldn't be that difficult to have a girl hunger for you like for Johnny Depp-cock and ice-cream by dropping the hint that the Galactic Space Council want you for sex crimes on Saturn.

Create a need – stir anxiety and discontent

“A perfectly satisfied person cannot be seduced. Tension and disharmony must be instilled in your targets’ minds.”

Seriously. I think we've ticked this box the moment you rose up at their table in a cloud of Egyptian curses and banshee screams.

Enter their spirit

“Most people are locked in their own worlds, making them stubborn and hard to persuade. The way to lure them out of their shell and set up your seduction is to enter their spirit. Play by their rules, enjoy what they enjoy, adapt yourself to their moods. In doing so you will stroke their deep-rooted narcissism.”

This is a good example of when a suggestion starts off good, then just ends up the same flavor of 'dangerous madman' as the previous tips. We all 'act interested' in other people's bullshit from time to time. Whether it's your girlfriend telling you about 'the weirdest dream' she had last night, or just saying you love dogs because amazing breasts top-trump a rabies shot EVERY SINGLE TIME, but the way Greene puts it sounds like a deleted scene from The Silence of the Lambs.

Create temptation

“Lure the target deep into your seduction by creating the proper temptation: a glimpse of the pleasures to come.”

Around this point, your 'victim' will be cursing the day she solved that Cenobite-filled puzzle box.

Keep them in suspense — what comes next?

Fuck only knows, Robert. Space-Prison? Cannibalism? Brad Pitt shoots you in the face, finally bringing your message to its inevitable conclusion? I can only assume that shortly after writing this book, Greene proceeded to instigate Plan B: DESTROY THE AVENGERS FROM WITHIN.

(Continues below)

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More from Comedy:

 Fred Fletch: hangin' with Mr Schwarzenegger

 Crystal Baws – your Valentine's horoscopes

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Thankfully Neil Strauss's tips in The Game and Rules of the Game are a trifle less sociopathic sounding, but less sociopathic sounding is about as good as it gets.

You can only “game” a woman with whom you are prepared to fail (if you find yourself wanting her too badly, you'll never have her).

AKA:

Exude extreme confidence.

This is actually a helpful tip, or perhaps it's just a far cry from Greene's bag (which is presumably filled with women's shoes and jars of deadly, deadly bees).

Demonstrate some kind of value, skill or talent near your target, but not directly to her. Initially, pretend you don't even notice her.

The amount of time magic tricks are used by pick-up artists for this purpose should make us suspicious of the whole field. However, I'm feeling your desire to wrap your holes around my everythings grow as I do a wicked wheelie on my BMX for your friend with the moustache.

Win over her friends.

FUCKING DONE. He God damn LOVES my rad BMXing

Be hard to get.

Five laps around the bar, on my BMX, full speed. I'm pretty damn hard to get.

Be fun.

SERIOUSLY? Did you miss the BMXing?

Handle challenges from competing men intellectually and psychologically. Never fight.

This actually goes against all of my preconceptions. I've grown up assuming girls' panties issue Tsunami warnings when I nunchuck their husband to death.

Respond to any signs that she's not interested as if it were “no big deal.”

Pfffhhht.

Once you have your target's attention, playfully insult (“neg”) her. The more beautiful the woman, the more effective the neg is in garnering interest as they rarely hear comments of that nature.

What the fuck is a neg? It seems to amount to saying stuff like, 'I like your hair, why do you smell of ham?' Or 'I don't usually find freckles attractive you fucking cow.'

Once attraction has been established, punish any unwanted behaviour by withdrawing and disinterest, but do not pout or have an attitude.

This is for that time my date ate a chip from my plate after clearly saying she didn't want a plate of chips. What's the implication on 'punish' here, Neil? Can I threaten her with a bar stool, or just return to mentally scarring her?

Alternate between attraction and disinterest signals in a push-pull fashion until rapport is established.

Because chicks LOVE a bipolar seduction-wizard on a BMX.

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Both authors are suspiciously quiet on what to do after a seduction, presumably because there is no game or cheat code to get men out of the handwritten post-coital apology and obligatory offer to pay for the sheets to be cleaned. But, so far, this has all been rather academic. I've decided to put Strauss and Greene's advice to the test in a real world situation. In the tornado of sexual intensity these two necromancers of ultimate seduction had whipped me into I searched out my galactic space diaper. Let us pray vaginas are now equipped with crash bags. I proudly informed my wife I was heading out to "upset the power balances that naturally occur in relationships by seductively taking whatever I wanted from whoever I wanted."

She told me to take bins out on my way.