My Glasgow: Des Clarke

The thing about Glasgow is we love a nickname. Everyone's called big man or wee man. No matter what height you are – or if you're a man. Then there's the Squiggly and Squinty bridges. That's not their real names. I can only assume they're signing on.

Don't forget we have a venue known as the Armadillo. Why Armadillo? Cos it looks like wan. Squinty, squiggly and armadillo. Millions of pounds' worth of engineering reduced to sounding like kids TV characters. Only in Glasgow.

Being known by one name is a sign of real success and recognition. Folk like Madonna, Kylie, George, Zippy and Bungle. Scottish hard men have it too. Guys called Snudge and Biscuit. You only need to say their name and everyone knows who they are. Especially the polis.

I was happy when I got a nickname. Try growing up with the name Desmond in Glasgow. I just saved everyone time and bullied myself. I grew up in the high flats where everyone was called something. I was known as Lemonade. Because I lived 7 Up.

At school they used to call me Sonic. That's what happens when you have spiky hair and blue skin. The worst bit is I was chubby and had a wee boy moustache. I think I'm the only wean that looked like both Sonic The Hedgehog and Super Mario.

Could have been worse. A guy I knew was called Two Dugs - because he had two dogs. Until he got rid of the dogs. Then he was known as Douglas.

That's Glesga for you. Accept no imitation. Whatever its name is.