Daniel Sloss: Comedy Spotlight

No-one spends all of Halloween drinking coffee and watching Wolfman movies to start trusting anything that's half of something else – and that includes Mermaids, Sharktopuses and Jamie Lee Curtis. And now Daniel Sloss. We should drop his cyborg-ass in the first molten-steel plant we can find before he enslaves our fleshy, easily exploded civilisation – but the steel industry is pretty fucked right now...

A Terminator-style Judgement Day is fast approaching. How well do you think you'll fair in the inevitable robot uprising, and what is your game plan?

“Stick a bullet in my head, jump off a bridge or jump in front of a train. Just anything that involves killing myself. I want no part in the apocalypse. I've watched Walking Dead. I don't have it in me to survive. I'm not one of those morons that's like, 'First I'd go here, then I'd do this.' No you wouldn't. Best case scenario: you die a gruesome death in front of your loved ones, but your death inspires them to survive longer. Worst case scenario: watch any Walking Dead episode. And those are zombies, not robots with guns. Fuck all of that future. I want no part of it.

Did you cry at the last ten minutes of Terminator 2?

"No. But I did cry at the end of Warrior. And Click. Yes, the Adam Sandler movie.”

Canadian Steve Mann willingly rammed over $60,000 worth of computers, wires and sensors into every hole in his body in an attempt to 'boost his physical and mental capabilities'. He's currently suing Newfoundland Airport after his 'boosted mental capabilities' failed to realise that trying to board a plane post-9/11 while looking like an unfussy Robocop is the kind of thing airport security get a bit twitchy about. With this in mind, would you ever consider technologically augmenting yourself? And if so, what would you have 'enhanced'?

“Nah, again, fuck all of that. None of that for me. I hate surgery and that sort of stuff. Unless you promise I¹ll be completely under for whole surgery, in which case I want Wi-Fi in my head. Really good shit too. Not like hotel Wi-Fi. Like, rich parents Wi-Fi.”

They say comedy and laughter are uniquely human, yet a Northwestern university has invented a computer that can write jokes. Apparently humour can be broken down into patterns and maths (which is strange, since I just watched an episode of Perfect Strangers and my calculator doesn't even have a button for the formula 'people from other countries dance different from us'). Do you think stand-up comedians will ever be replaced by robots? What does a robot joke even sound like?

“I don't think we'll be replaced by robots. But if we do, that's when I'm committing suicide. I also have no transferable skills, so if stand-up comedy doesn't work out for me, that is pretty much my apocalypse. I'll be in the streets, eating rats and covered in shit in six hours.”

Which robots do you most admire, and why?

“Prince Robot IV from the comic book series Saga. Coz he's a fucking badass. Oh, you don't read comic books? Nice one, dweeb.”

Do you think Inspector Gadget had a soul? Or was there so little of him left that each whimsical, crime fighting adventure was actually just one long wordless scream of inhuman anguish and prayer for death? Discuss.

“Nobody has souls. Grow up. Put down the DMT pipe, start eating gluten, wash your hair, realise incense sucks and stop being such a fucking hippy.”

Would you ever consider having sex with a robot?

“Depends. How big is her RAM?”

Does your ring turn bright red when something goes wrong?

“I actually own an Xbox 360 and this is very offensive to my people. Racist.”