Candy Gigi: Comedy Spotlight

Impossibly hard to define, and even more impossible to fit into a straight jacket, Candy Gigi is an enigma. The Fringe programme classifies her as 'Clown' or 'Absurdist' but that's only because the guide doesn't have a section marked 'Holy Shit'. 

The internet has pretty much turned dating into a futuristist Argos catalogue where we can flick through pictures and profiles to work out which model goes best with our hearts, curtains or crotches. Given the fast-paced, short-attention-span culture we live in, how would you describe yourself in 140 characters or less?

Hi I'm Candy and I have a history of vaginal warts. Drinks? Xoxoxoxoxox

You had me at 'vaginal' and 'drinks'. Everything else will be my urologist's problem. If you were to be uploaded onto the internet like in Tron or Lawnmower Man, what sort of website would you take the form of?

I'd probably be a virus of some sort and wreck the lives and computers of anyone that has ever done wrong by me / has more money than me / is doing better in comedy than me / is prettier than me / is funnier than me / gets more gigs than me / is more charismatic than me / gets more agent interest than me / is better at interviews than me.

With the likes of Tinder and Snapchat reducing our courting rituals to four sentences, a whimsical emoticon and a blurry photo of our genitals, I'm guessing 10 years from now mating will hinge solely on a single chat up line. What's the best line you've heard?

The best chat up line I've had has to be: 'Anal?' I didn't find it weird that he asked for that, just odd that he should know me so well considering we've never met.

Just be thankful I didn't go for: "Did you know that soon there will only be seven planets? Because tonight I intend to destroy Uranus."

The best chat up line I've used is probably this one: "There's no better way of playing hard to get than pretending you've been impregnated by a family member."

Dating websites offer us the chance to categorize ourselves into easily matched boxes. I generally tick the box marked Pansexual so everyone knows I only fuck cyborgs. The Fringe Guide has you pegged as "Clown/Absurdist". Is this accurate?

Yes I think that's probably about right. I've never been able to just stand there telling jokes. I wish I could, it would make my life both cheaper and easier. The amount I spend on props is unbelievable. I remember one night dragging a suitcase along with me to a gig and inside it there was a baby doll, a celery, some carrots, a raw chicken, a raw fish, a potty, a baby bottle, two onions, an apple, a pair of fake tits, an inflatable penis, a picture of Trevor McDonald and a toilet brush. And I suddenly stopped, exasperated from all the schlepping, dripping with sweat, and thought to myself, 'Why aren't any other comedians dragging all this shit around with them too?' And then I remembered it's because they can write jokes.

Aren't clowns generally acknowledged as being impossibly fucking creepy or have they been rebranded into apparent social acceptability?

I'd say there is an aspect of creepiness imbedded in my performance but that's more to do with the fact that I am a creep as opposed to it deriving from the act of a clown.

Imagine you give up on internet dating and decide to create your perfect partner the old fashioned way – with weird science. What specifications would you type into your man-making-machine, and what 80s toy or action figure would you use as the base substance for your impossible lover's creation?

Give the history of men I've gone for in the past I'd probably create someone socially inept with a fetish for urine. Also he'd have to be unbelievably ugly. I really, really like hideous men. For me, there's nothing sexier than waking up to a man who makes me feel a little bit physically sick.

What's the strangest comment, message or email (excluding this one) you've received from a fan?

Someone once said to me they've never been so simultaneously aroused and repulsed before as they had been watching me. I thought that was a little odd. To be honest the most commonly thing said to me by people after gigs is: 'God you use so many vegetables! How much do they all cost?' I find that quite annoying actually as you put on a great performance and see someone approaching you after and you expect a compliment of some sort but all they do is enquire about your yearly cost in props. FYI it's probably around £400.

I've pretty much learned everything I know about relationships from the movies of the 80s. Dogs solve crimes, haunted amulets allow us to comically swap bodies with Jodi Foster and mannequins magically spring to life when you put your dick in them. What movies have taught you the most about life and love? What did these movies fail to teach us?

I saw Silence of the Lambs recently and it taught me a lot about the importance of keeping your man fed and happy. What it doesn't teach us is that your date would find it odd if you suggested it as a movie to watch to get you in the mood for sex.

You suddenly find yourself in a terrifying alternative universe where the only remaining songs are Disney songs. What Disney song would you consider most suitable for a night of passion? I personally favour Chip 'n Dale's Rescue Rangers, but also appreciate the delicate eroticism of Darkwing Duck.

As a child I used to really fancy the Beast from Beauty and the Beast, I like how big and sad and gross he is. So I'd probably have Tale as Old as Time (the Angela Lansbury version obv). Failing that I might choose something a bit more niche, like the overture to The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Another character that is surprisingly fanciable in a way that only the fellow outcasts of the world would understand.

Imagine your show is a lonely hearts ad on Craigslist: What would you say to attract a single, horny audience?

Candy Gigi is a lonely unfulfilled 26-year-old woman looking for a big raucous 'up for it' audience to laugh at her for the duration of her 35-minute show, regardless of how funny they find her.

*Inserts photo of her faff*

P.S. If you don't find me funny I'll kill myself.