Juan Vesuvius: Comedy Spotlight

THE SKINNY: Are you Zorro?

JUAN VESUVIUS: I may be a few Latin stereotypes, but I am not el Zorro. We do share similar ideas on moustache fashion though. And we have nice smooth chests muscles so I see how you could think this. But if I was el Zorro, then I would not tell you I was el Zorro. So maybe I am him. Mysterious…

Have your hips ever lied? (Or at the very least, told a half-truth in order to protect someone else's feeling? Possibly in relation to how fat they may or may not look in that dress).

For me the hips never lie. The lips were invented for lies, but not the hips. Just look at a dance floor – this guy tells peoples he is a dancing king (using his lips), but his hips tell the truth. He is not. Sometime I wish I could control my hips. I am just walking down the street to buy some limes and somebody has a nice song coming out of their shop, or a beautiful woman with lady hips walks past me. I try to concentrate on just going to buy some limes but my hips betray me. They let everybody know how I am feeling. They are too powerful. I try to control them by using a cummerbund but is impossible.

Raul Julia proved that Latin Americans could stand toe-to-toe with immortal karate men like Jean-Claude Van Damme. Do you feel salsa dancing can be naturally adapted into an effective fighting style, with or without an electric battle-suit?

You know Raul is a renegade. He is a crazy wolf – un lobo loco is how we call him. For me, I don’t think dancing should be a fight. It never is very cool. Just look at capoeira.

Could you beat Captain Kirk in a fight?

Only if I used capoeira. Only if I was a capoeira master, and Captain Kirk knew this, and instead of letting me put on a capoeira record so that I could dance-fight him, he hijacked my turntable and put on Twist and Shout by The Beatles. Then I would beat him. Because nobody plays the fucking Beatles on my turntables.

It's scientific fact that Latino men are 372% sexier than any other flavour of men (even the Transylvanian ones). Why do you think this is?

Because we have confidence in the parts that we have inside us. We have a feminine side, and we love this. So we show this. And this makes our masculine side more erotic. We also are not afraid of our own upper thighs. All of the other men wear these shorts that go down to their knees. Or even further. NO. A shorts is a shorts, please.

Erik Estrada; discuss.

Yes. He was one of my first guys I look up to. Him and my tío Alonzo. Alonzo was a radio DJ and he let me introduce songs for him in the booth, but also he let me draw new album covers for some of his records. I remember the one I did for Lord Sneaky y su Combo. It had a mouse playing his tail like a flute. But anyway, Erik I saw on CHiPS, and then I wanted to be him. My mama even buy me a lil plastic CHiPS helmet. Then I saw him on this show Dos Mujeres Un Camino, which was basically him being a truck driver and having two ladies in love with him the whole time try to kill each other. He has great hairs.

Should we take any particular precautions to protect our primitive Scottish pelvises from the unstoppable maraca-related onslaught of your show?

Ok, great question. There is a couple things you can do to help this, yes. Like don’t wear too many clothes. You know is gonna get sweaty up in there so don’t wear a sleeping bag to the sauna party, ok guys? Also, loosen up. Do some stretch. And hold on to your orgasms for a day and a half before coming to the show. It give you a little bit more fire. And load up on bananas. This will make sense when you see my show.

Calypso was the end of level boss at the climax of the kick-ass driving game Twisted Metal. If you beat him, he granted you three wishes. What would your wishes be?

1 - That people got excited about foreign cultures in their lands instead of scared.
2 - That Kim Jong-un ask me to come and DJ a calypso party for him.
3 - That Latino America can continue to make bold decisions, as like Uruguay, and not worry what ol’ Uncle Sam think of them.

Have you ever had to hide out in a night club full of vampires? If so, do you have any advice to share?

My friend – I am DJ. Of course this happen to me. But I don’t hide from them. I just keep playing good music. My advice is if you are in a night club full of vampires, don’t be a DJ that plays shit music.