Rhys Nicholson: Comedy Spotlight

In the 1830s, showing an ankle was considered hardcore porn. These days we pretty much need jungle cats and slow moving zoo security officers to feel truly intimate with our lovers. What are some of the sexiest and/or most dangerous things you've done in the name of pleasure?

"Gosh, you are not messing around. Straight in there with the hard hitting questions (pun intended). I’m not really sure if I’ve done anything too crazy. When it comes to sex at least, I don’t need too many bells or whistles. To be honest I’m usually just quietly happy to be there. I once had relations with a gentleman on a public tennis court. Feel free to make your own 'it was love all' and 'new balls please' jokes. Probably the most dangerous thing I do for pleasure is devote myself to doing Edinburgh Fringe Festival for the sake of a light, grim stroke of the ego."

Cosmopolitan are always offering readers exciting new tips on exactly how a penis works. Sadly, since I assume the space monsters who write for the magazine reproduce via violent proboscis ramming, their suggestions are usually absolute genital-maiming madness. What are some of the worst techniques you've encountered, delivered or received?

"One of the only reasons I’m gay is because the male sex organ is so damn easy to use. I have no idea why anyone thinks it’s complicated. Sex with a man is just a waiting game really. If you look at a wang for long enough, it’s going to finish. Having said that, I’ve had my fair share of penile mistrials. A much younger and [more] emotionally-distant Rhys Nicholson used to have trouble knowing the difference between making a new friend, and performing fellatio on a stranger. This has led to a parade of situations. I’m not a 'spitter', because I was raised right, but I have once accidentally been a 'throw-up-all-over-the-dick-er'. Let's just leave it at that."

Trial-and-error has taught me that choosing the right background music is a key factor in ensuring that your night of passion is a hard, smooth and mutually satisfying triumph, rather than eight awkward minutes spent trying to push jelly into a toaster. Personally I recommend the theme to Remo: Unarmed And Dangerous, or – if a mop is handy – the opening song from Galaxy Rangers. What would you say is the best movie or TV theme tune to have sex to?

"I tell you what, it’s just refreshing someone has finally taken my request of only asking questions about fucking things seriously. It would be tasteless and beneath me to say the Cosby Show theme, so I won’t. But I’ll be honest with you, guys, I can’t climax unless I hear the entire extended theme to M*A*S*H. Gives me a real 'Hawkeye', if you know what I mean."

Could you beat Christian Grey in a fight? Talk me through exactly how you'd kick that bland Hugo Boss-looking dipshit's ass.

"I couldn’t beat a painting of a fist in a fight. I’d sure give it my darnedest though. I’ve not read those books but from what I’ve heard I don’t think I’d need to do much. Some subtle psychological probing should do it. Just ask him where he thinks his issues with women come from? What was his relationship like with his mother? A few more like that and I bet he’d beat the shit out of himself."