Bachelorette

This simple recipe will produce exactly one dimly generic comedy wedding film.

You will need: three hateful female stereotypes, some cocaine, a plush hotel, one wedding dress and an overweight woman. (If you haven’t any Melissa McCarthy, Rebel Wilson will do.)

Take a preppy control freak (Kirsten Dunst) and combine with the news that her overweight friend dared wed until she’s thoroughly soured. Slosh in a slut (Isla Fisher) and a chain-smoking nihilist (Lizzy Caplan), and dispense these into a Manhattan hotel suite. Oil up a male stripper, sift in the cocaine and agitate until the bride (Wilson) is wretched. Combine the control freak and slut in a large wedding dress until destroyed. Put the remains of the dress in a strip club and spatter with bodily fluids. Pour this into a Bridesmaids-shaped mould and leave to fester until no traces of humour remain. Serve in a DVD case. [Kirsty Leckie-Palmer]