Ask Anahit: Doomed to Fail?

I live, laugh and love my boyfriend, but he has become quite lazy whereas I am quite career driven and am looking to move back home (London). If he doesn’t follow me, I will be in pieces but know I will be fine. Is it bad? Am I investing time in something doomed?

First things first. I don’t think the measure of a worthwhile relationship is you not being fine if it ends – if anything, it’s the opposite. If you can see a life beyond this person then that means you're not trapped. You have choices. Choices are – even though I just want to be told what to do every second of every day – apparently good.

I want to focus on this idea of doom, i.e. fate., i.e. absence of (being required to make a) choice. I don’t know what it is that makes relationships last (this isn’t a rhetorical flourish, I genuinely don’t know! It’s very frustrating!) but I am starting to think it might just be an uninterrupted run of choosing each other. People who Stay Together Forever don't happen to find themselves in a relationship that isn't doomed; they just at every crossroad…Choose the relationship. They say it takes work, but I think more than that it takes choice. And while it can be a little heartbreaking to not be in the kind of relationship where you are constantly choosing each other above everything else, it also probably indicates the kind of life you actually want. You cannot – and I want to be clear that I have not personally internalised this – have both. It doesn’t necessarily mean you will break up, but just that you’re building the kind of life where you will be fine either way. And that’s OK.

As to whether it’s worth it in the face of that… Well. One of my friends once told me I had to stop trying to futureproof my relationships and second guessing everything based on whatever chain reaction of tragedy it could set off. The fear of being hurt can make us want to fast forward and make the right choices for that later version of ourselves. But what does the version in the present need? Do they want to stay with their boyfriend right now? Does he make them happy? It’s so embarrassing to admit but I truly don’t think time invested in someone you love and who loves you can be considered wasted. It just doesn’t sound like something all that doomed to me.