Love Bites: Two Digital Decades

My first experience of online dating was a site called Gaydar Girls in the early 2000s. I remember painstakingly composing letter-length messages, editing and re-editing, trying to sound smart, funny and desirable. That there were all these people I could meet online felt like a new world of possibility.

Fast forward twenty years, through OK Cupid, Grindr (I transitioned), Scruff, Tinder, Bumble, Hinge, Feeld and the rest, and I am horizontal on my sofa, lethargically tapping, swiping and repeating the same stock phrases, feeling dead inside. I doubt this feeling is unfamiliar to most people who use dating apps but it's such a contrast to the excitement I used to feel.

At some point the opportunities afforded by online dating started to feel limiting rather than expansive. Perhaps a major difference is that now every aspect of life and connection is so tied to technology and there is something quite draining about this in itself. But simultaneously, I have trouble conceptualising the world of apps as real – swiping on Tinder feels like a particularly shit computer game. 

It's not all bad. Grindr has been useful for hook-ups. Despite my tendency to switch my phone off and hide from it when I feel overwhelmed by messages, I've had a few dates from using other apps also. Even when they haven't turned into dating I've met friends this way. 

The times my mindless swiping led to a date was usually due to a random oddity that engaged me — they were also called Len so dating them would be funny, or they were stood in front of some art by David Wojnarowicz. There's no rekindling how I felt twenty years ago, but those occasional flickers of connection mean I probably won't quit the apps just yet.