Kid Canaveral evaluate 2013's festive anthems

Bright Eyes – God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen [from A Christmas Album, Saddle Creek, Out Now]

The Skinny: This is from their 2002 Christmas album, which has just been re-released on vinyl.

David: It’s a bit… dull.

Rose: But I don’t think that’s their fault – I think this is one of the more boring Christmas traditionals…

 D: Aye it’s their fault – no one forced them to record it!

Scott: I’d give this 6.

D: SIX?!? I’d say that’s very generous…

R: It’s fine. If I had a trendy shop I’d play it.

D: It’s the musical equivalent of having an uncomfortable chat with a distant relative on Christmas Day – unwelcome and boring.

Kate: We’re setting the bar really low. Let’s go 5.

Future of the Left – The Real Meaning of Christmas [from How to Stop Your Brain in an Accident, Prescriptions, Out Now]

D: It’s certainly more exciting than Bright Eyes. They have some amazing lyrics normally – I liked that one 'where were you when Russell Brand discovered fire?' This one could do with some sleigh bells though.

R: Yeah, sleigh bells would really make this…

K: Still, we should go high – 8.

Olaf the Singing Snowman – In Summer [from Disney’s Frozen, in cinemas 6 Dec]

D, watching the accompanying video and looking displeased: Is he drinking whisky? And why’s he not melting?

R: He doesn’t know about melting! He’s never known anything but the cold, and this is his summer fantasy! I imagine there’s a tragic twist…

D: This is making me want to throw up.

R: It’s making me want to cry!

D: It’s fucking horrendous.

R: It’s not – if you were seven years old…

D: If I was 7 I’d still know that snowmen melt!

R: 9?

D: If you give that a 9 I quit the band.

K: I don’t think that can have more than 2 or 3.

R: 5! In my shop I’d have that and Bright Eyes, on a loop. It’s a strange shop.

Erasure – Make it Wonderful [from Snow Globe, Mute, Out Now]

R: There are some big expectations here.

D: Just waiting for a big chorus…

Chorus comes and goes.

R: Well it’s not really reaching lofty heights is it?

D: I really like Erasure, and I think that’s making me sympathetic towards this.

R: I don’t hate it. It might be a grower.

D: They’re just damned by their own back catalogue. Erasure would get a 10, but this… 6.

Sleigh Bells – Bitter Rivals [from Bitter Rivals, Lucky Number, Out Now]

D: That sounded like Limp Bizkit for a while…

R, singing: 'You’re my butterfly, sugar baby.' Sorry, that’s really harsh – no one wants to be compared to Crazy Town…

S: I think that should get 3.

The Skinny: That puts it level with Olaf the Singing Snowman…

R: I preferred Olaf. That had charm.

S: What happened to us being nice?

Leona Lewis – One More Sleep [Syco Music, out now]

R: Oh good, the most boring woman in pop…

D: 'Five more nights sleeping on my own' – is she going to shag Santa?

K: I think this is alright. It has the catchiest chorus so far.

R: But it’s really boring. It’s more clichéd than the Disney song.

D: It makes me think I should be panicking in a supermarket.

K: I think this might be a 5 as well. We have to give it some points for being so Christmassy…

R: It’s so cliched though! Plagiarism should not be rewarded!

D: We’ll say 4.

Eminem feat. Nate Ruess – Headlights [from The Marshall Mathers LP 2, Aftermath/Shady/Interscope, Out Now]

R: Is that Dido singing?

D: I think it’s Dr Dre…

S, noticing how much of the song has passed: Hold on where’s Eminem?

Marshall starts rapping; the band start sniggering.

K: Can we give this 1?

D: No! He loves his mother, you can’t give him 1!

S: I think I’ve heard enough.

R: It sounds like an album track.

D: An East 17 album track…

R: 'Cleaning out my closet' – ah, a reference to another Eminem song. Either that or it’s something he does often.

K: Maybe he does it at Christmas?

Run the Jewels – A Christmas Fucking Miracle [from Run the Jewels, Fool’s Gold, Out Now]

R: Well there’s some jingle bells…

D: 'Doesn’t get his portion' – that can be a problem at tables of large families.

S: It’s definitely better than Eminem anyway…

K: It is better than Eminem, though I think it lulled us into a false security, because it started so Christmassy.

R: I think there should be more songs that mix swearing and jingle bells.

The Skinny: Is hip-hop something you would usually listen to?

D: All the hip-hop albums I’ve got are older ones like Jurassic 5 and The Disposable Heroes of Hiphoprisy, so I wouldn’t say I was in touch! Shall we give that 6?

R: I think higher.

D: OK, 7. It had sleigh bells and lots of words. And he was on about Christmas dinner, and that’s tough.

Kurt Vile – Snowflakes are Dancing [from Wakin’ on a Pretty Daze, Matador, Out Now]

D: I like this – it’s soothing. It’s the kind of thing I can imagine lying in the Meadows listening to, trying to block out a djembe player.

R: Yeah this is good. I’d like to listen to the album.

K: What’s our highest score so far? 8? Then let’s give that 9.

D: Now there’s only one place left to go…

AC/DC – Highway to Hell [from Highway to Hell, Sony Music CMG, Out Now]

Playing with decorations, pulling crackers and examining the (rather rubbish) gifts inside...

R: A set square!

D: I’ve got a wee thimble!

K: I’ve got two jokes here. Let’s see… ‘What’s the smelliest animal on the farm?’ This is terrible…

R: Well objectively speaking I’d probably say the cows.

K: The toilet duck!

D: You don’t get ducks on farms! Maybe in idyllic fucking brochures…

K: ‘Why did the onion cry?’

D: Because he was struggling with being a sentient vegetable?

K: 'Because he accidentally cut himself.'

The Skinny, steering conversation back to task at hand: So, any thoughts on the campaign to have AC/DC as Christmas number one?

R: I think those contrarians are trying to steal Christmas out of the mouths of…

D: Jesus?

R: …charity, and they’re missing the point, which is we should be funnelling money into Simon Cowell’s pocket.

D: Maybe he’ll release our next album?

R: Oh, please let us sign to SyCo!

D: You’re only saying that so you can hang out with SuBo.

K: Just give that 8.

The Skinny: Speaking of SuBo…

Susan Boyle and Elvis Presley – O Come All Ye Faithful [Syco, 9 Dec]

K: It’s not a duet with dead Elvis is it? Oh my god it is…

Elvis pipes up.

D: Oh Jesus Christ.

K: I think this might have to get zero. There’s no reason to do a duet with dead Elvis.

R: SuBo can do what she likes!

D: For the record, we love SuBo but dead Elvis can go fuck himself.

K: Definitely zero. I think any duet with a dead person is out.

R: I think it’s realising the dream of life after death, which is what we’re supposed to think about at Christmas…

The Skinny: I’d say that’s more of an Easter theme…

R: In that case it should be Easter number one.                        

D: Can you make sure it’s clear that we love SuBo? Unfortunately dead Elvis has dragged her down…

TRACK OF THE MONTH: Bad Religion – God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen (from Christmas Songs, Epitaph, Out now]

R: Now this is a Christmas cover.

D: I could imagine falling off a table to this.

K: I’d definitely play this album at Christmas. I think it’s really fun.

R: Do you think McBusted will do a Christmas album?

D: I don’t want to talk about that…

K: I think that one has to get 10.