Opinion: Working out – A guide to sexercise

I can find time in my day for the most obscure of activities. If I find myself with a sudden compulsion to watch every Green Wing blooper in digital existence, or learn to sing the French verse in that Beyoncé single as accurately as if I’d spent a year living in Toulouse, you can be damn sure I’ll find a way to embed that within my schedule. But when it comes to interrupting my day to find an hour or two for exercise, I’m as shamefully incompetent as the next (wo)man. The extent to which I chronically avoid fitness is so laughable that I have a frat-boy exercise bar installed in my bedroom doorframe, yet can’t even manage a quarter of a pull-up. Sure, I follow all manner of fitspo Instagram beacons who disseminate wisdom like “sweat is your fat crying/the best accessory/the new black” in Comic Sans; and yes, I invested in a pair of trainers which sit decoratively on their assigned shelf, but the only part these efforts play in my own physical maintenance is reminding me how little I can be arsed to carry it out.

So when it came to my attention that a bunch of people had come up with a “sexercise” music track designed to transform normal ol’ sex into a bed-bound fitness fest, I knew it was imperative I got stuck in. It was time to conduct some essential investigation in the name of journalism, for the sake of fitness, and for the libido of humankind. Correspondent Kate, reporting for duty, doing as all adventurous women do...

...and by that, I mean to say I bribed my friend with nachos and wine to try it out on my behalf.

Of course, I selected my sexercise guinea pig, Lucy, wisely. With a jam-packed diary, an open mind, and an inherent repulsion for cross-trainers matched only by my own, she was a prime candidate. And at risk of transforming your first impression of her into a SATC stereotype, she’s also “genuinely having the best sex of my actual life [sic]” at the moment with her boyfriend. Game on.

I talked her through the basics; the track was created by fitness experts who choreographed a sex routine so tailored toward calorie-burning that it could make even the happiest of fat cry. After this, music producers analysed the sexual habits of 2000 British couples, and developed a track which complements the average length of a hearty British limb-mingling – a tidy 22 mins 48s, in case you were curious (of course you were). The result? Sex On The Beat, the very first sexercise track which apparently gets the calories burning as furiously as one’s horn-loins.

So, after a few days spent eagerly anticipating word of Lucy’s sexercising, she got in touch to tell me the deed was done. That evening, we shared a bowl of the promised nachos while she spilled the (refried) beans. “It was hilarious,” she cackled. As it happens, her boyfriend’s stamina had somewhat outlasted the length of the track (possibly indicative of why she’s currently having The Actual Best Sex of her Life), so they hadn’t managed to align the procedure with the sonic peaks and troughs of Sex On The Beat. But, she reported not only a sense of invigoration in trying something slightly outside of their normal repertoire, but also “an absolutely massive orgasm.”

If you check out the stats, it feels ludicrous that this sort of track hasn’t made its way onto the bedroom speakers of boning Brits already. With research carried out by PLOS ONE suggesting that couples could count the energy expenditure of an average sex-session as “moderate exercise,” and 80% of couples being prepared to change up their sex if there were health benefits involved (OnePoll), there certainly seems to be a market for this kind of stealthily healthy fitness track.

As we concluded our post-coital meeting, it transpired that perhaps Lucy didn’t fall within that 80% up for donating some straight-up sexytime for the sake of calorie-burning on the reg. But, as they say, actions speak louder than words, and Lucy’s spontaneous ordering of a second round of nachos after our debrief spoke pretty loudly to me.