The Monotony of Monogamy
Monogamy schmonogamy: Liv McMahon discusses the intrigue of polyamory in a society of tables for two
Humans may be animals, but simple creatures we are not. For centuries we've been told monogamy is the only way to live. Rom coms, showbiz and Ed Sheeran dictate that the very essence of our being is to find our soulmate. Until we find ‘the one’, we simply drift through the world, incomplete. Apparently.
Our modern views of monogamy may have evolved slightly from the Greek idea of 'monos gamos', but Western and global civilisations still uphold monogamous relationships as the ultimate goal. Today, western society thrives on an adapted form of monogamy – ‘serial monogamy’, a cycle of long-term relationships that comedian Rosie Wilby associates largely with "strange power battles."
The notion of ‘the one and only’ is rarely subject to discussion, but at the Edinburgh International Science Festival, four panelists came together to analyse the biology behind monogamous relationships. Their debate alerted me to the concept of polyamory, something I’d been aware of beforehand and had liked the sound of, but had never heard widely discussed or even acknowledged.
The Greeks had terms for many different kinds of love, so why is it that modern lovers are often stuck with a sniper-focus on monogamy? In a technologically advanced world is it not, perhaps, a bit Victorian that our lives are dictated by fixed frameworks of human relationships and love? As Wilby suggested, the rise of instant communication has transcended beyond messaging and into the realm of instant sex; through apps like Tinder and Grindr it can be delivered to us as simply as ‘ordering a pizza’ (or simultaneously, if you happen to be craving a stuffed crust too). Thanks to technology, our sexual horizons are essentially limitless. Take online porn – we are handed greater choice, greater novelty and greater control. To quote Professor Frederick Toates, a speaker at the EISF event, living in a "highly sexualized society" with easy access to porn has potentially rendered our computer keyboards "a stimulus for arousal."
“Sex can be delivered as simply as pizza (or simultaneously, if you happen to be craving a stuffed crust too)”
On one hand we expect stability and security from our relationships. But on the other we desire novelty, excitement and spontaneity – tricky to sustain when you’re in a long-term, monogamous relationship. In 2012, the divorce rate was 42% according to the Office for National Stats. There were thirteen divorces per hour in England and Wales. It is no wonder, then, that non-monogamous options are thriving. Swinging is receiving much more publicity lately. Vice magazine regularly takes its readers on secret sex party tours in South London, providing, ahem, “first hand” insights into the benefits of extramarital sex. Meanwhile, at a somewhat less steamy Science Festival, an audience member sings the happy praises of ‘adultery voucher’ trades in her consensual non-monogamous relationship. Contrary to popular belief, polyamory can and often does work.
Consensual non-monogamy might come across as a little utopian, but it’s a concept that should be more openly acknowledged. Jules Howard made a good point: since animals don’t pursue a single mating strategy, why should humans be any different? However, to base the debate on biological arguments of what is allegedly ‘natural’ is also problematic. Zoe Cormier summed that one up particularly well: no one really knows why we are the way we are, that’s why this is a matter of debate.
Monogamous, non-monogamous, swinger or serial singleton, human love is diverse and varied. If we just put down our Sharpies and quit trying to sling labels on each others’ romantic endeavours, perhaps we’d be all the more empowered to seek the kind of arrangement that suits us, instead of society.